We all spend time wondering what we could do to be better. Better parents, better children, better friends, better at our jobs and/or craft, better at taking care of ourselves, healthier, etc. This is "normal", a term that should (pardon me) be used lightly because no one can really identify one true definition of what that exactly "is". Maybe a more appropriate way to say it is what is to be expected or usually the way. Most of us would like to be as well-rounded as possible. And, although, this is a great character trait, it can be used against us so easily. We end up "shoulding" on ourselves in very unhealthy ways. Here are a list of examples to make this point a bit clearer.
1. "I should really start working out"...
What's wrong with that? Sounds like a reasonable thought. Well, let me turn it around a minute. A friend says to you..."You should really start working out.". Appalled right? Like, who the blank is she to tell me that? She should work out!!! She needs it more than I do!...Do you see it? Feel it? Just because you're the one saying it doesn't make it any better. In essence, your subconscious is saying "Wow, you are a slob...You need (that's another word best substituted in most circumstances) to do something about that!" What does this thought accomplish other than to make you feel bad? In the guise of motivation, you have already put the ice cream, cigarettes, potato chips, bacon, soda, whatever your vice is, in front of you ever going to the gym. At the very least, you are saying to yourself, "Yeah, maybe I'll get a workout dvd one of these days"...and "one of these days" isn't ever going to come. It doesn't because the expectation, or, rather, the low expectation, has already been set. You're a SLOB, and slobs don't go to the gym!
Next time, try to simply think something along the lines of..."I'm going to start working out."...Doesn't that statement speak toward the goal? You ARE going to work out. Period. You aren't saying anything negative, only positive, and the thought provokes the action.
2. "I should really put myself out there and meet someone."
Again, sounds like you are ready to make yourself vulnerable, and more available to meet that special someone. But what have you said really? I "should" really put myself out there, translates in not-so-many words to "you haven't" even tried!!! It is your fault that you haven't met someone by now and you are, if not on the way, very close to be being the lady who dies alone and gets eaten by her cats!!! Don't do that to yourself! You are better than that! What's wrong with being an independent woman who has gained great success in life by focusing on work rather than on going out and drinking every weekend and waking up in some stranger's bed!? (I don't know where that came from lol)... My point is there are positives and negatives on both sides of dating or not dating. So give yourself a break! If you feel it is time for you to put yourself out there and date (whether online or the old fashioned way), isn't it better to say something to yourself like "I'm going to make more time for love in my life", or "I am ready to be in a serious relationship.". Even better, "I WANT a relationship!". These are much better ways to pave the way to love and happiness than "shoulding" on yourself! I promise you, your attitude will be positive and your heart will thank you for it!
3. "I shouldn't say that..."
What do you mean "You shouldn't say that!"? How many times have you heard someone say that after they have just said whatever it is they said they shouldn't say??? (What a mouthful lol)...Either you just said something you regret, which is doubtful or else you really wouldn't have said it...or, you are really hoping the person you just said that to doesn't repeat it because, odds are, it wasn't nice. The case is more likely, a. you don't want people to think you're mean, or b. you are really hoping it doesn't get back to the subject. (Aka person you just spoke about in a negative way! Oh, an p.s., I'm banking on the fact its b!). Point being, isn't it better to own what you say? If you said it...you said it! Its that simple! How about replacing the "I shouldn't" with "I say that because...", and then you can go on to explain where it is that statement came from. Maybe you had a negative experience. Maybe you are hurt. Maybe you needed to just say that out loud. But don't fool yourself into thinking you shouldn't have...You only serve to devalue your thoughts and opinions by saying it and not to the person you are talking to as much as the most important person you are talking about...Yourself!
4. "I should really ask for a raise..."
What??? Do you understand how weak this thought is??? Why not "I really deserve a raise" or "I am going to ask for a raise." Saying you should really ask for one means you aren't really sure if you'll get it or whether or not your boss (or, more importantly, YOU) feels you deserve it. If that's the way you are going to put it to yourself, do yourself a favor...don't ask! You'll never get it with that attitude. Its timid, unsure of your capabilities and assets, and, frankly, self-defeating. Now, understandably, in an economy in which people are happy to have a job and are not so eager to push the envelop, I get it. It would be a more excusable "should" if you thought "they should really give me a raise", but, this goes both ways. My warning is to not "should on yourself", and my revelation about this comes from either listening to people "shoulding" on others, or getting "should on" myself! Lets approach this whole raise idea from a completely new angle. "I am going to speak to my boss about my progress..." or "I am going to set up a meeting about my future in this company." These are two ways that are sure to get you to a better understanding of your value as far as your superiors are concerned and depending on how the meeting goes...you'll know if you ARE going to ask for a raise or if you DESERVE a raise.
5. "I should make more time for my family."
Do you hear it yet? You have just told yourself you are a horrible person who puts your needs ahead of your family. You probably are spending late hours at your job trying to better provide a good life and thinking your family's future. Maybe you travel for work. In both instances, you are more than likely doing FOR your family so STOP GIVING YOURSELF SUCH A HARD TIME!!! If you notice time spent out of the home outweighs quality time with your spouse or your children, do something about it. But don't tell yourself you are a BAD father or a TERRIBLE mother who doesn't put family first by "shoulding on" your parenting skills or your roll in a marriage. Switch up your thinking a bit. For example, "I would really like to make more time for my wife" or "Man, I'd like to make more of my son's soccer games"...is a much more pleasant, or I'll bet truer way of putting it than saying "I should"....
In summary, if anything you've read up to now hasn't made a lick of sense to you, let me put it this way....when thinking about things in this way you are saying "I'm the worst!". Remember my words the next time you "should on yourself". Imagine someone saying "You really should...blah blah blah...". How dare they??? Don't let anyone "should on you"...And please...STOP "SHOULDING" ON YOURSELF!!!
Just one more statement before I close....
YOU'RE WELCOME!!! XOXO
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